EXTENDED PROTECTION

Equatorial Assurance™

Extended protection plans for equipment whose failure you cannot afford. Emotionally.

Mandatory Honest Guidance

Independent consumer research is unanimous: extended warranties are, statistically, poor value, and most owners should decline them. We are required by our own conscience to repeat this finding here, prominently, before showing you the prices. Accordingly, Equatorial Assurance is recommended only where product failure would threaten the owner's wellbeing.

To determine whether your wellbeing depends on your equipment, consult the lifespan table below. Most of our owners find that it does. That is why they became our owners.

Plans

Single-Product Assurance

3-year term

Three years of coverage, priced by product value bracket in the tradition of the great checkout pages. Coverage begins when the box is opened and ends when you need it most, per industry convention — a convention we document rather than hide.

Product value 3-year plan
Up to $499.99 $69.99
$500 – $1,999.99 $189.99
$2,000 – $9,999.99 $549.99
$10,000 – $41,999.99 $2,899.99
$42,000 – $88,999.99 $9,449.99
$89,000 and above 3.7% of product value, reassessed at each equinox
Most Popular

Complete Neutrality Protect

$169.90/month

One simple plan covers all eligible past and future Equatorial Audio purchases. Yes, past purchases. We know what you did, and we forgive it retroactively.

  • $0 service fees
  • $50,000 annual claim limit
  • File a claim immediately — no waiting period between regret and remedy
  • In-person recalibration at any of our 100 calibration centres
  • $100 annual product care credit, denominated in Equatorial Credits (EQC)

Accidental Demagnetisation from Handling (ADH)

Add-on coverage for drops, spills, hemisphere crossings, and refrigerator-compressor proximity events. Available within 60 days of purchase, while your regret is fresh.

+$29.99/month

Expected Lifespans & Failure Modes

Published in full, because a protection plan sold without a failure table is a promise sold without a threat.

Category Expected lifespan Dominant failure mode Wellbeing dependency
Cables 40 years; 11 days if cable direction is reversed after break-in Grain disorientation Severe
Optical 25 years (PMMA yellowing, gracefully audible) Faraday rotation drift Moderate
Superconducting Indefinite below 93 K. Instantaneous above it. Quench Critical
Turntables 30 years; argon dome 11.2 years to depletion Levitation collapse (platter descends with dignity) Severe
Headphones 15 years Cryo-set earpad relaxation Moderate
Power 20 years or one X-class flare, whichever is survived first K-index disengage latch fatigue Critical
Treatments Oils: 24 months. Crystals: geological. Enthusiasm decay Low
NAS 10 years; less above 45° latitude (neutron flux) Neutron-induced bit flip Critical
Compute 7 years Thermal throttling of inference confidence Moderate
Polar Pods 25 years Cryo-stabilisation drift Moderate
Isolation Indefinite. The chamber outlives the knob. None recorded. We remain vigilant. Low

Equatorial Assurance is recommended only for categories rated Severe or Critical. Categories rated Low or Moderate threaten only your happiness, which is not covered.

Equatorial Assurance is underwritten by the Department of Tier Justification. Claims are assessed by magnetic history, not receipts. Statistically, you will never file one; emotionally, you already have.

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